without music... life is a journey through a desert...

2006-10-28T13:35:00.000+08:00

this is an attempt to revive my blog! hah. by popular demand. hm. maybe not.

WOW. more than a year has pass. from my pre-NS days. went thru quite a deal this one year.

got to know a great bunch of pple from squad 57 during my police training days, to now my working in TRACOM, even during the ops con to woodlands NPC. just wanna thank God for bringing me to all these wonderful pple in my NS life.

i think i'd just highlight a few events during this year. like going to beijing, NS, and my 21st birthday.

i certainly enjoyed my beijing trip! it brought me so much closer to the chinese culture and stuff! made me want to go into research more on it. bought so many books on ethnomusicology!

hm. i thought NS is kinda a waste of time initially, but. yeah. i've learn to take it as a passing phase. and i've still another year to go! ahhh.

my 21st yo bday. hah! really wanna thank all the ppl who turned up! my family, my sec sch friends, my ACJC friends, my NS friends, my band friends, ms kat lim, alvin and EVERYONE. also those absence with apologies due to work. HAH. u guys have made my birthday a really memorable one. THANKS!

yeah. this year's bday is kinda special. probably. cos i met the person of my life? hah. hopefully so.

ahhhh. im running out of ideas to blog. well. effect of NS. makes u...... D_MB.

that's all folks.

2005-11-13T16:52:00.000+08:00

No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.

Say you'll love me ev'ry waking moment;
turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
promise me that all you say is true,
that's all I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light;
you're safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night;
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me.

lThen say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from you solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Say the word and I will follow you.

Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

Say you love me.

You know I do.

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

Anywhere you go let me go too

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

love?

2005-11-04T03:01:00.000+08:00

i saw all these passionate pple reel about,
drift haphazardly as if driven by a storm,
the man filled with desire today,
satiated on the morrow,
loving fiercely and discarding brutally,
sure of no affection and happy in no love;

then there were the women who were infatuated with him,
suffering insults and beatings,
finally rejected,
yet clinging to him,
degraded by jealousy and despised love,
but still remaining faithful...

like dogs...

life

2005-11-01T19:05:00.000+08:00

"when i take a look at my life,
as though from the outside,
it does not appear particularly happy...

yet i am even less justified
in calling it unhappy,
despite all its mistakes...

afterall, its foolish to keep probing
for happiness or unhapiness,
for it seems to me it would be hard
to exchange the unhappiest days
of my life for all the happy ones...

if what matters in a person's existence
is to accept the inevitable conciously,
to taste the good and bad to the full,
and to make for oneself a more individual,
unaccidental and inward destiny alongside
one's eternal fate,
then my life has been neither empty nor worthless...

even if, as it is decreed by the gods,
fate has inexorably trod over
my external existence as it does with everyone,
my inner life has been of my own making...

i deserve its sweetness,
and bitterness,
and accept full responsibility for it..."

rain... sunshine...

2005-10-28T11:35:00.000+08:00

rainy season it has been.. haven't been blogging for some time.. this is for yina.. yeah.. i'll talk about my fantasies soon yeah? my deepest darkest secret (or is it darkest deepest secret?).. doesn't really matter..

was just sitting around.. peeped out of the window.. what a beautiful sight of the sun i saw! indeed.. after all the rain, storm, thunder and lightnings.. there will be a sunny day..

i guess we often dont see the sunny day ahead of us.. we just see the negative side of things so often.. and when its sunny.. we dont appreciate these sunny days, and often take for granted that its sunny..

just as in life.. when we're going thru a rough patch.. we feel as if we're in the darkest point in life.. nothing just seem to be right.. do we actually see the "sunshine" which is bound to come?

well.. the old saying goes well.. "when the going gets tough.. the tough gets going!"...

gifts..

2005-10-16T02:58:00.000+08:00

lol! after that post.. yina wants me to show the BIGGEST gift i've ever received.. in terms of size.. lol.. it took lotsa effort too! like.. yina, ivy, and of cos yina's family members! when i first met her aunties and uncles, they were like.. "OH! so u were the guy we were rushing the puzzle for!" lol.. was abit paiseh.. but i truly appreciate it.. thanks girl! its seriously wonderful! dont worry.. its hanging nicely in my room.. and every visitor is impressed.. its like 3000 over pieces of hard-work?

okay.. next.. is a gift from tammy.. lol! this is a hand-made using dont know what.. lol.. cant remember.. acrylic paint or something.. which stained her whole hand.. i think.. its for my 17th birthday.. yeah.. thanks girl!

ooh.. lol.. next on the list.. anyhow.. the gifts are just in random order.. okok.. next on the list is this monopoly set.. given to me by my farkov brothers.. lol! davis, wennie, tim and law eng.. u might think its just a monopoly set.. BUT.. NO! its a china set! woohoo.. lol.. cos they they think i suck in chinese.. so they got me this hoping that it might help me improve my chn.. too bad.. we only played it once! lol.. aww.. anyhow.. this is seriously interesting.. lol.. the instruction booklet is in chinese..

chance cards are in chinese..

the places on the board are in chinese! lol.. isnt it interesting? like kunming.. beijing.. shanghai etc..

alright.. next.. i've 2 "me to You" bears here.. i think.. if im not wrong the one with the J is from tk band flutes..

next is a notebook and a story book from lawrence.. lol! its a super nice book la.. i finish reading in like.. 3 days? that's quite a long time i know.. lol..

this is a cologne from camilus.. if i remember correctly.. its a long long time ago.. haiz.. dont know how is he.. he seems hostile lately..

a watch from alvin for my bday this year.. thanks bro..

these are 2 smurfs given to me by beifang! lol.. one conducting and one playing the tuba.. cos smurfs dont play euphonium? i think? lol.. so she got the closest to euphonium.. which is a tuba.. lol! cute right?

stars with msges by 1SG5.. my acjc class.. lol! woohoo! really nice stuff.. its suppose to be in a container.. but i cant remember what i used the container for.. so the stars are left with the rest of my cards.. lol.. seriously damn nice..

oooh.. this is a collection of most of my cards.. given to me on my bday.. lol.. there're alot more.. but its all deep inside my cupboard.. these are the more accesible ones..

i think there're alot more.. sorry if i miss out any gifts from u guys out there.. its really too many to show everyone.. but.. seriously.. all the gifts really mean something to me eh..

thanks to all my friends.. my pals who's made my life more meaningful! THANKS!

P.S. sorry for the poor quality eh.. cos took it with my webcam.. lazy to take out my digi cam..lol. just make do yeah?

memories..

2005-10-14T01:50:00.000+08:00

memories.. how wonderful it can be.. a storybook to everyone's life.. providing us a nostalgic escape from the tormented days of the present...

lol.. was just packing my stuff.. cleaning my shelves.. came across a box.. which contained cards.. birthday cards.. xmas cards.. farewell cards.. cny cards.. and some other gifts.. just brings back so much memories.. of cos.. happy and sad ones..

so many pple i've came across in life.. so many experiences.. someone once mentioned.. life is like a piece of white cloth at birth.. what a wonderful analogy i would say.. as life progresses.. our white cloth will be painted beautifully with beautiful experiences but at the same time.. might suffer some less favourable experience which might stain our piece of white cloth..

is that stain really going to be a stain? are bad experiences just going to affect you for a life-time? i guess.. a piece of wonderfully painted cloth might be beautiful at the end of the day.. but we know its not possible.. in life.. there're bound to be hiccups in life.. we need to grow from these nasty experiences..

just like.. if we're looking at 2 trees.. one of which.. has been watered.. and taken care of everyday.. one which has not gone thru stormy days.. the other has to go thru stormy weather.. strong winds.. bad weather conditions.. at the end of the day.. which is a stronger tree?

i would think.. overcoming negative experiences is most difficult in life.. how we actually grow out of it and become more resilience is most crucial.. its a life skill..

well.. memories.. lol.. i've pretty beautiful memories.. i'll just share abit of my life story.. i think.. life stories are beautiful.. it just paints the picture of a person.. his life.. his piece of white cloth..

alright.. here i go..

i dont remember much of my kindergarden days though.. my mum enrolled me to bethel play centre.. a place which all my little cousins went to after me.. LOL.. i remember quite clearly.. i resisted pretty violently during the first few weeks of school.. i would always want to make sure my mummy is in school with me.. but.. as time went by.. lol.. she thought its time for me to learn to be more independent.. well.. eventually somehow.. i did..

my mum.. an important figure in my life.. she's just such a wonderful person.. someone who understands me.. even without me telling her what im going thru.. someone who supports me in everything i do.. someone who never fail to give me strength when i need it most.. though she was pretty strict when i was young.. but.. like all parents would say.. "its for your own good".. lol.. yeah.. i dont think i'd have come thus far without such a wonderful mum! thanks mum!

alright.. later on.. i went on to montfort junior school.. mum enrolled me there as its pretty near home.. pri sch days..

pri 1.. lol.. was in 1c.. i remember i had an old man who teaches chinese, by the name of mr koh, as my form teacher.. a very gentle old man.. lol! was really great time.. had really good friends.. one of whom is kenneth lin.. he was my partner in class.. oh yah! and kevin daniel pillay.. who later on graduated with me in sec 4 in the same class!

pri 2.. 2cc... morning session.. at times.. really dread going to school. lol.. had to wake up so freaking early.. just to go to school! i cant really remember my pri 2 teacher's name.. but she's a nice lady too.. well.. pri 2.. nothing much happened.. lol.. kenneth lin was still my friend..

alright.. then later on to pri 3.. pri 3 c.. mr patrick lee was my form teacher.. this time if i remember correctly.. i joint the "choir"... lol.. some useless singing club under mrs dolly wan.. somehow i cant recall much of my pri 3 days.. lol. shouldnt be too wonderful then.. oh yah! i remember terror ms chow! wow.. she was the discipline mistress and my EL teacher.. everyone just shivers at her name.. she punish pple by putting rubber bands at all 5 of their fingers.. and pull it back and let go.. WOOHOO! imagine how a small kid is going to take it.. LOL.. but she's nice too la.. at least i've seen her nice side..

pri 4.. 4ee.. had a super violent form teacher.. johnny heng if i remember correctly.. WOW.. the way he pulls your ear.. after he let go.. for a moment.. u just wonder if your ear is still intact! im serious.. well.. lol.. this year.. i joined the computer club.. lol.. and had a chiobu teacher in-charge of us! woohoo.. ms lai.. heard she's gave birth and become super out of shape now.. lol.. too think.. i once had a crush on her.. cody was my partner in computer club.. lol.. who's later on my band major in band.. i didnt realise i was in the same pri 4 class as many TILL recently.. pple like.. weiguang.. kelvin liao.. if im not wrong..

pri 5.. 5a.. mr tay.. lol! a super interesting teacher.. who tells us lots bout science.. and what goes on in the world.. but.. later on.. we grow up to know that he has been lying to us! lol! i mean not all la.. but some stuff.. but well.. a really great teacher! but pretty strict.. he canes your hand if u fail to finish your homework.. lol! well.. too bad corporal punishments have been abolished..

pri 6.. 6bb i think.. mrs lau.. had really 2 wonderful buddies.. roy teo and ronald ong.. both are my super good friends.. lol.. used to go to ronald's house to play chinese chess (NO PUN.. dont think dirty).. as in.. seriously chinese chess.. slack at his house.. etc.. lol.. really missed those times.. though we met up couple of times when in sec 1.. but roy shifted soon.. to some where pretty far away.. if im not wrong.. bukit timah? oh yah.. my first school trip was when i was in p6! went to chiangmai to visit the montfort over there.. a really fun trip! lol.. and my last day of school ended pretty badly.. lol.. got caught by mr lock for talking to my friend.. LIKE.. wth! we're not in jail la.. cannot talk meh? lol.. yeah.. so he pulled my hair till it a small patch almost came off..

yeah... didnt score well for PSLE.. so ended up in montfort sec.. a place where majority of montfort junior kids went to.. lol! sec 1.. had a old man as my form teacher again. .this time an english teacher.. well.. nothing much happened.. im just glad that im in the same class as ronald! lol.. oh well.. who would ever know we ended up in the same class till sec 4! what i remember most was the CCA orientation day.. wow! every CCA just look so wonderful to a sec 1 boy.. lol.. but in the end.. i chose the band.. and i never regretted..

this was also the year i took part in the swimming meet.. lol.. i got 4 gold medals.. 50 m, 100 m, 200 m and open 100 breaststroke.. lol! was quite proud of myself.. haha..

sec 2 days.. nothing much happened.. but this is the year.. i knew i have fallen in love with music.. i knew this is what i want.. and i wanna do it.. this is also the year.. that i met dr lee, who has always been a mentor to me.. i think.. the first question he asked me.. which i remember very clearly.. was.. "dont your parents object to you doing music?".. well... i didnt know what he mean earlier on.. but later on.. i realise how much i had to go thru in convincing my parents this is right for me.. lol..

sec 3 days.. had a pretty bad form teacher.. lol.. but really wonderful class! well.. though this is the year that i really had my first major disappointment.. felt like i hit rock bottom.. its like.. when the committee of the band was announced.. when i found out i got the librarian post.. i was really disappointed.. i wanted to be the concertmaster badly.. lol.. but i grew from it.. i took my job with pride.. and did a pretty neat job out of it..

sec 4.. woohoo.. again.. class was wonderful.. the camaraderie.. its a wonderful class.. with wonderful teachers.. like mr low, ms sim, mdm zurina, suxue etc.. woohoo! this was one of the best years of my life i must say.. though mugging for o's was really dreadful.. but i pulled thru it.. 4s2'001 forever.. the spirit is still there..

alright.. later on i went to college.. had a wonderful class.. i must really say.. first was SB4.. made some really good friends.. pple like doina, jamie, derek and of cos KAREN, who went with me to SG 5 later on.. lol.. woohoo.. SB4.. why wonderful memories? its because we went thru fun-o-rama as a class! its really a cool experience to have gone thru acjc's fun fair! the preparation.. the planning.. really brings the class together! i remember me trying to learn to chop the coconuts the day before the funfair.. and screwed it up badly.. lol.. ended up giving the coconuts to my band seniors, marc ho and yolande.. LOL.. of cos they gladly accepted..

well well.. later on.. SG5.. karen kirk.. lol.. always laughing at my nonsense.. a realy close friend.. someone whom i can confide in.. yeah.. lol.. went all the way to some ulu mac at your place to mug la! if u remember.. that was a crazy experience.. anyway.. had wonderful friends. like.. clarice.. lisa.. don baey.. jefferson.. and the list goes on.. i cant remember names.. but definitely faces..

acjc band.. the place.. which i really dread leaving.. i wish i can be an acjc band member forever.. lol! thank God they have acswo.. well.. when i was in jc 1.. i had wonderful seniors.. in my section.. zandra (SL) and sheena (QM).. lol.. sectionals often ended up as slacktionals.. into a session when we share "sensitive" jokes.. LOL! other seniors are pple like.. yolande.. marc ho.. zheng chang.. the 4 beauties from the percussion.. and the list goes on.. this is the place that i met wonderful teachers.. like.. mrs afzal, mr paul cheong, mdm lim, ms sng.. yeah. really cool teachers!

my batchmates for band! woohoo! of cos i will never forget the farkov brothers! lol.. spending so much quality time together.. the time we spent WC3-ing during our promos and davis' As.. to the time we ate chicken rice without paying at dover! lol.. of cos.. wonderful friends i've met.. despite all the suannings i get from them.. lol! pple like.. ruoxi.. derek tse.. beifang.. claudia.. mandy.. etc.. kinda getting a brain dead.. its 3 am!

nvm.. i'll press on.. sadly.. i left college in feb.. was such a painful decision.. when i broke the news to my classmates.. karen cried. LOL.. and she scolded me for being heartless.. cos i just smiled.. holding my tears back.. later on.. i told ruoxi.. she cried also.. lol! wah lao.. and i cant do anything bout it.. and its a band day.. didnt know what to do.. but eventually. decided to go home..

this part has been a secret for a long time.. the truth is.. after i reached home.. I CRIED LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.. i just covered myself in blanket and kept crying.. i knew there's no turning back.. so i just had to move on..

later on.. got to know many wonderful pple.. ppl like roy lan.. yina.. jacq.. though i dont know nicole yet. but yeah. later on.. got to know nicole from this bunch of pple.. lol.. really had a great time hanging out together!

helping out at tk band was wonderful! its just such a wonderful place which taught me many lessons.. the students are just so warm.. looking at the gifts on my birthday. the cards.. the msges which they wrote.. just touches my heart.. though its only 7 months.. its a good 7 months spent..

acs barker.. another wonderful place with wonderful students.. lol! though i dread going for acs b band practices at first.. just make me lose my voice every single practice.. but.. as i see them grow.. it just warms my heart.. well.. went thru quite alot with them.. though didnt have the chance to go thru SYF with u guys.. again .. its a good 2 years spent..

nafa.. wonderful friends.. valerie, lifeng, karen, daniel, emmanuel, gwen, faith and so on.. wonderful lecturers.. mr goh of cos.. mr yap.. yeah..

to sum it all up.. cos im falling asleep.. my life has been wonderful! i'll talk more on some areas when im more awake.. i guess it must be commendable if u read this crap till this far.. LOL! alright.. bye..

singapore police force

2005-10-13T15:45:00.000+08:00

yeah.. finally got my enlistment letter.. gonna enlist on 13th december.. not to tekong.. but to police academy.. so yeah.. will be kinda uncontactable from then on.. probably will be free only on weekends..

lol.. was kinda disappointed initially.. its like.. when all my friends are going to tekong.. im going to police academy.. but after some time.. i kinda learn to appreciate it.. since its God's will.. yeah..

well well well.. kinda excited bout it now.. lol! i've no idea what to expect from it.. and no idea what to prepare.. like my friends who just went to tekong.. they have friends to tell them that they need this.. they need that.. but.. i dont! i guess i just have to learn along the way..

my parents wanna go for the thing.. though.. i strongly discourage my mum from going.. LOL! i bet she wouldnt be able to take it and will get super duper emo.. yeah.. but i doubt i'll miss home.. i'll just miss my CDs.. my books.. my music.. yeah.. probably getting a nano as companion.. but heard it kinda suck.. oh well.. its better than living without music for 2 weeks right?!

alright.. soon.. i'll be part of "a force for the nation"..

wayfaring stranger

2005-10-07T02:00:00.000+08:00

Wayfaring Stranger

I am a poor wayfaring stranger,
While traveling through this world of woe.
Yet there's no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright world to which I go.
I'm going there to see my Father;
I'm going there no more to roam.

Refrain
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home.

I know dark clouds will gather round me;
I know my way is rough and steep.
But golden fields lie out before me
Where God's redeemed shall ever sleep.
I'm going there to see my mother,
She said she'd meet me when I come.

Refrain
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home.

I'll soon be free from every trial,
My body sleep in the churchyard;
I'll drop the cross of self denial
And enter on my great reward.
I'm going there to see my Savior,
To sing His praise forevermore.

Refrain
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home.

a daunting song.. i'll try to upload it.. hope all of u will be able to listen to it..

its a negro spiritual that refers to Christians' temporary presence in this world..

as we travel this world as strangers, we're not lost; as long as we follow Jesus and our destination will be in heaven...

i like this particular recording by counter-tenor andrea scholl (yes.. the singer is a guy) and particularly the sparse instrumentation..

hope this would speak to u.. whoever is looking at this and listening..

something for those going thru exams..

2005-10-05T00:37:00.000+08:00

"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." -Hebrews 12:1-2

a verse for all those going thru exams.. promos or year end exam.. and all those that've just got back their prelims result.. full of joy or sadness it might be.. press on.. as the race is not over yet..

added a new track..

2005-10-04T04:27:00.000+08:00

added a new track to my blog.. check if u can hear it..

its one of my favourite track all-time.. it just evokes so much emotions.. its just so passive..

do grab a copy of the cd if u really like it.. ANTI-PIRACY yeah? lol.. its Yo-Yo Ma plays ennio morricone.. its really a wonderful recording..

xmas is round the corner.. maybe i should put up some xmas music soon.. lol! why am i so looking forward to xmas?! weird...

i just enjoy the festivity.. the atmosphere of xmas.. its a kind of cosy feeling that u get.. though we all know xmas is something greater than just santa clause, presents and xmas trees.. its the birthday of our saviour.. Jesus Christ..

well.. its kinda late.. been out 401-ing with ted lately.. his days are kinda numbered.. so.. yea.. lol! better spend more time together.. before the army takes it away..

the grp is getting smaller and smaller.. since sep.. lol.. wg, kenny and alvin gone first.. then later collin had to be deployed to do some shit clerical work.. lol.. now ted (hope u get n instead of m yea?) is enlisting.. it'll leave me with des..

suddenly looking forward to enlisting too! i wonder why.. i used to fear it.. lol.. but now.. im just kinda looking forward to it..

well.. this is just a pretty disorganised entry.. so yea.. i can end it anywhere i like.. like now?

bloodshed again...

2005-10-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

i guess all of us are sadden by the news of bloodshed again in bali.. its a time we should remember and pray for the victims, dead or injured, and their family.. may peace be with them..

may we also pray for the evil.. that they may see light.. and mend their ways..

Psalms 43
Vindicate me, O God, And plead my cause against an ungodly nation,
Oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!
For You are the God of my strength;
Why do You cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppresion of the enemy?
Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise you,
O God, my God.
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
Then help of my countenance and my God.

be patient or you may regret later..

2005-10-02T09:40:00.000+08:00

"A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his 3-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck.

The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment.

When the father calmed down, he took his son to the hospital. Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from the both the boy's hands.

When the boy woke up from the surgery and saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?"

The father went home and committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or you wish to take revenge. Think first before you lose your patience with someone you love.

Trucks can be repaired but broken bones and hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognise the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive. Love one and all.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

im hot!

2005-09-27T22:27:00.000+08:00

LOL! this is funny.. nicole thinks im hot and she dedicated an entry to me... its real funny.. go read it if u're free.. its at http://www.crappology.blogspot.com/

yeah.. thanks girl.. i'm hot.. nothing i can do about it right? LOL!

political test...

2005-09-27T21:42:00.000+08:00

You are a
Social Moderate
(41% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(23% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

words by mother theresa..

2005-09-26T18:39:00.000+08:00

"If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive."

why is forgiving so difficult?

let us first try to define forgiveness.. what forgiveness actually is..

forgiveness: elimination of all desire for revenge and personal ill will toward those who deeply wrong or betray us..

often.. we really want to forgive.. we know that forgiveness is much better than hating and hurting.. we wish to express our generosity and compassion.. so what's stopping us?

i guess.. very often.. we dont really know the true definition of forgiveness..

this is something cool.. lol..

Myth #1: I should only forgive if they apologize.
Without apology, contrition, reparations, promises of reform, or at least guarantees of sincerity on the part of the wrongdoer, it's tough to forgive. We wait for the wrongdoer to do something right for a change. How long should we wait? Not too long. Forgiveness should not be used as a bargaining chip to control someone who misbehaved. We shouldn't relinquish control like that. Otherwise, we leave our forgiveness -- our peace of mind -- in their hands.

Myth #2: If I forgave, I'd be letting that person off the hook.
Forgiveness and justice are separate issues. You can forgive someone and still press charges. If you want to prevent them from hurting others, lock the door to the jailhouse, or to your own house. But keep the doors to your heart open.

Myth #3: Offering forgiveness implies that what the other person did was okay.
To condone is to excuse, tolerate, overlook, disregard, trivialize, or minimize an offense. But when someone is considering forgiveness, they're doing so precisely because they do not excuse or minimize the offense, and do not perceive it to be trivial. The behavior was wrong, stupid, insensitive, hurtful, or criminal -- otherwise, forgiveness would not be necessary.

Myth #4: I've probably already forgiven him.
Maybe. But many of us fool ourselves into thinking we have forgiven when we haven't. I did this with the man who molested me. I told him "I think I have already forgiven you" long before I had explored my own feelings, or the consequences of the abuse, or even exactly what had happened. I wanted to leapfrog over the process, avoid any conflict, and arrive at that comfortable place of resolution: It's all over now. It's tempting to pretend the incident didn't really matter. But you can't go directly from “nothing bad happened” to “I forgive you” -- because in that case there would be nothing to forgive for.

Here are some useful ways to think about forgiveness:

Truth #1: Forgiveness is a choice.
We can't necessarily forgive just because we want to, but even asking the question Might I forgive? can open possibilities. We can also choose not to forgive. Framing it as a choice brings it to a conscious level.

Truth #2: Forgiveness is empowering.

Many of us believe that our own happiness cannot be achieved until someone comes crawling to us on hands and knees, or learns their lesson, or promises to be different. But our happiness is not really dependent upon the behavior of other people. The forgiver changes her focus from “if only they would” to “I wonder if I could...”

Truth #3: Forgiveness is a skill.

Like shooting basketballs through a hoop, it gets easier with practice. Some people recommend practicing first on the easy stuff: forgiving a grumpy child, an incompetent receptionist, a nosy neighbor. But sometimes the “hard stuff” becomes the training ground because it demands attention. Either way, the key, as with any skill-building process, is practice.

Truth #4: Forgiveness is a sixth stage of grief.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as the five stages of grieving (or dying, or loss). Forgiveness is what you do when acceptance is not enough, when you've lost something important -- a relationship, a dream, a self-image, a physical ability -- and you still feel empty or bitter inside. You start forgiving the other person for having died or having left you or having injured you. Forgiveness completes the grieving process, allowing you not only to “move on,” but to become stronger and more loving.

I did successfully forgive the man who molested me, and it changed me. All of my anger at him is gone. All of my sense of victimization is gone. I don't even identify as a "sexual abuse survivor" anymore; the experience no longer defines me. I've moved on to forgiving other people: my parents, my colleagues, my friends, myself. Forgiveness has become a daily practice, a way of life. It's not easy, but it's rewarding. Here's the best part: When you forgive, your heart opens. Then you have an open heart, instead of a clenched fist where your heart belongs.

If God has forgave us for all the sins we've committed in our entire life.. what cant we forgive our brothers and sisters for what they've done against us?

"I once picked up a woman from a garbage dump and she was burning with fever; she was in her last days and her only lament was: ‘My son did this to me.’ I begged her: You must forgive your son. In a moment of madness, when he was not himself, he did a thing he regrets. Be a mother to him, forgive him. It took me a long time to make her say: ‘I forgive my son.’ Just before she died in my arms, she was able to say that with a real forgiveness. She was not concerned that she was dying. The breaking of the heart was that her son did not want her. This is something you and I can understand." - Mother Theresa

Let us put aside our ego.. not hurt and hate further.. but begin to forgive and love.. that is the spirit of love..

trusting God..

2005-09-24T04:52:00.000+08:00

prayer: "let him live. she cried to God... go home my dear... the great voice whispered... he is safe with Me..." something from edison's blog..

so often... we see death as something really bad... something which detach us from our loved ones... our friends... our family... we often ask God... why do such things happen?

we meet new friends... new people... or even having a new family member every now and then... at the point of meeting... the only thing we can be certain of is.. one day.. we'll have to part.. that is certain..

why do we seem to have such little faith when it comes to death? didnt Jesus say in the bible that "Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also And where I go you know, and the way you know.... I am the way, the truth and the light. No one comes to the Father except through Me..."

why is it that so often, we rather walk in darkness.. in our own secular life.. than to turn to God when we've trouble? is He really hearing us when we face trouble? if He is listening.. why isnt He responding?

i believe, God has a greater plan.. for 2000 years ago... He has paid a greater price by sending His Son to die for the entire mankind.. and hence... we've overcome darkness and death.. spiritual death..

we have to see this life as temporal... just transient... whatever parting... will eventually become a new meeting in a new dimension... an eternity meeting...

www.colorgenics.com

2005-09-23T18:24:00.000+08:00

http://www.colorgenics.com/

lol... some Mood Analysis Test i saw at gerald's blog... pretty cool i think!

here's the result...

"You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

In actual fact you are not willing to exert yourself in any way. You have that truly 'laid back' attitude and are unwilling to extend yourself or exert undue effort. You feel that to move forward - be it in your life style or in business relationships - would require more energy output than you are prepared to give at this time. You want to take life easy and your attitude is such that 'Enough is Enough'.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.

You are experiencing considerable stress which is essentially the result of on going rejection and hostility. You are in the unpleasant position where offers of trust, affection and understanding are being withheld and you are being treaded with a degrading lack of consideration. You feel that you are being denied the appreciation that you deserve, which is essential to your well-being and self-esteem, but you have to face up to the situation because as matters stand at this time there is little that you can do about it - you feel that you are getting nowhere and the continuous struggle is a lonely one: all difficulties and no encouragement. Whatever you try to say or do is met with continuous hostility and no matter how much you protest you are consistently misunderstood. You need to escape from the situation but you are so perplexed that you cannot find the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavors and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front."

hah.. how true..

towards a re-merger in music..

2005-09-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

lol.. read an article, "towards a re-merger in music" by chou wen chung, someone who writes really good music... a living composer.. pretty cool.. what's really cool is how he view music and other art forms.. and eventually.. fuse them together...

so what is he trying to remerge? he strongly believe, in his article, that we have reached a stage where a true re-merger of Oriental and Occidental musical concepts and practices - which at one time shared a common foundation - can and should take place...

something he said...

Like the Chinese calligrapher and painter, I have always regarded the technique of a composer as a spontaneous manifestation of his gradually crystallizing esthetic concepts. This is perhaps in agreement with the confucian concept: Music is "born of emotion"; tones are the "substance of music"; melody and rhythm are the "appearance of tones". Greatness of music lies not in the "perfection of artistry" but in attainment of "spiritual power inherent in nature."

WOW! these words are plain amazing.. it spoke on genesis of music.. i guess.. how music actually came about.. the formation of music.. like.. in science.. how is bacteria formed.. how the cells actually spread or expand..

many pple would like a definition to music.. i guess.. these 2 statements are enough to define what music is.. music is "born of EMOTIONS".. tones are the "SUBSTANCE of music"...

what emotions are we talking about here? i guess.. we got to see things from a higher point of view.. we gotta find out the power of things as things (something which took me some time to digest), and not being used by things as things, thus causing danger and harm not only to themselves as artists but also their art... this requires much meditation upon i guess..

what's the ultimate goal then in writing music? the ultimate goal, ultimate purpose of communication is achieved through the score.. through the music, just as he said "the material is immaterial, the immaterial material"... technique in this case, is a catalyst.. technique is merely a skill to "imprint" the "substance of music", and the "appearance of tones".. therefore.. as the material.. the substance.. "evaporates".. in other words.. the auditory sensation fades away in the listener's ear.. a crystallisation perception should emerge.. therefore.. technique.. the catalyst.. the material that is immaterial.. it will serve us well not to lose sight of the immaterial that is material, the condensation itself..

what's really interesting is how he view chinese poetry, painting and calliagraphy.. how he's actually influenced by the same philosophy that guides every chinese artists: affinity to nature in conception, allusiveness in expression , and terseness in realisation...

the interesting part about calliagraphy.. how calliagraphy is related to music? the controlled flow of ink in chinese calliagraphy.. through the movement and energy.. the modulation of line and texture.. creates a continuum of motion and tention in spatial equilibrium! so how is this translated to notation? this interesting controlled flow of ink can be translated into controlled flow of sound through organised complexity and ordered interplay of properties.. ie.e yin and yang... how images actually interact with each other in a state of perpetual transformantion and superimposition... the interplay of images actually signifies a unique but predictable situation in the constancy of nature.. the changing of microcosm in the unchanging macrocosm.. composite images therefore is interpreted through metaphors...

and chinese music.. chinese instrument... such as the qin.. "fretted zither".. actually hold a unique position and uninterrupted tradition.. there're actually more than one hundred symbols for its finger notation.. just to achieve the essential yet elusive quality of music.. the subtle inflections in the production and control of its tones as a mean of expression... what's more amazing is.. these notations actually evoke a certain state of mind to the performer for the execution of such detail...

something else.. which is amazing.. is how he actually make use of individual sounds as "living matters" trhough the inflections in its production and control..

"a sense of freeom and independence for each instrument is obtained through the use of individual but coordinated tempi for two instruments, the use of non-proportional note-values, and the use of intensity according to the natural character of each instrument.

when coordinated individual tempi are used, 2-parts, having arrived at the same beat, move on at different tempi with accel. and rall., meeting eventually on the first beat of the next passage... thus, between the 2 synchronising points, a living but controlled rhythmic interplay is set free... when qualitative rather than proportional note-values are used, when intensities according to the natural character of the instruments are used, not only the durational elasticity and the dynamic interaction are set to work, but also the state of mind of each of the performers is encouraged to exert its power... in other words, an attempt is made to recognise the "natural power" of every individual matter that is part of the music to bring forth a condensation of experience.."

well... the west in its preoccupation with polyphonic concepts have more of less ignored those particular aspects in which the east (music of china, india, balinese gamelan, japanese gagaku, korean ah ahk) has remained master... therefore.. i think these are aspects which composers today should start exploring..

he ended the article with...

"of course, no matter what one's philosophy and tecnique in composition, the result must stand on its merit as an abstract art-work in sound... in other words, we are concerned with the crystallisation rather than the catalyst..

Wild geese
flying across the blue sky above
Their image
reflected on the water below
The geese
do not mean to cast their image on the water
Nor the water
mirror the image of the geese

Yet in an instant.. the beauty of the flight is truly mirrored bt the water.. Such is a moment of pure reflection in Nature, when time and space merge and a spark is struck from Nature's rock.. Such is a moment of true perception in art, when a transitory condensation of a transitory experience is born..."

new skin

2005-09-22T13:18:00.000+08:00

well.. hah.. got a new skin for my pretty boring blog..

hmm.. guess prelims are over for most pple doing o's and a's.. hah.. have a good break and start mugging soon yeah? the real break will come after everything..

Hymn To St. Louis Marie De Montfort

2005-09-21T06:20:00.000+08:00

Hymn To St. Louis Marie De Montfort

"Every nation owns a leader
honoured more than all the rest.
Every household has a father
loved of men the first and best.
Thou our Father, thou our Leader,
Bless our studies, bless our play.
Glorious Montfort, dearest Founder
Lead us upward day by day.

On to God lead us through Mary,
Safest path, our whole life long.
Gentle to the old and weary,
Clean of heart and kind and strong.
Shield us when the tempter whispers,
Guide us home from all stains free
Keep us true to our sweet saviour,
True to Mary and to Thee.

Thou dost see the Saviour's bounty,
Hear the Mother, fair and sweet.
Pleading to thy throne of mercy,
Moon and stars beneath her feet.
Youth flies from us, life goes over,
Morning slips from noon and night;
Lead us upward, lead us onward,
Make us victors in the fight.

Only they who fight will conquer,
And be crowned when life is done.
Help us then, Montfort, to battle,
Till the great reward is won.
Children we of saints and martyrs,
Heroes named with love and pride.
And we'll cherish as our life blood
That grant faith for which they died."

This hymn brings back so much memories... i believe every montfortians from my generation and before will know this... it has deeper meaning than what is seen to most of us.. its something which binds us together.. LOL.. took me some time to find the lyrics...

probably will do an arrangement of it for the band for next year's 90th anniversary..

blog, i shall...

2005-09-15T06:22:00.000+08:00

alright.. i shall blog something.. but.. OMG!! its 6.24 am and im still not in bed.. my bio-clock is quite warped! tired.. but cant seem to get to sleep.. lol..

most of my friends are in NS now.. though some are still lurking around.. lol.. met up with ted and des at 401.. well.. usual chats.. but kinda weird without the "NSmen".. lol..

alright.. so many pple having exams now.. seems like this is the exam season.. sec 3s having their year end exam.. sec 4s having o levels.. jc 1s having promos.. and jc 2s having their a levels.. to all my bros taking exams.. will keep you guys in my prayers.. make sure u guys mug hard too! and sidney.. better make sure "tarts" wouldnt come out as a qn for your o levels paper.. LOL..

friends friends friends.. yeah.. weird things do happen.. hmm.. some times i just wonder.. what's friendship all about.. seriously.. things in the past week just make me wonder what's friendship really all about..

i just find something so weird.. just for one incident.. your so-called "friend" is not on your side.. he becomes your enemy.. but what about the 1 million times he's on your side?

pple.. or rather.. friends.. can actually discredit u for whatever u've done for them in the past years.. for just 1 thing u can't do for them or done against them.. its just so amazing.. doing things for friends suddenly becomes a "duty"..

i mean of cos.. we'll help them if circumstances permits.. but.. at times.. when we're really bound by limitations.. we cant really help.. so who is to be blamed?

superficial world.. but.. well.. nothing we can do other than to live with it.. some times.. it just gets tiring.. really tiring..

alright.. maybe i should stop blabbering..

back...

2005-08-24T15:01:00.000+08:00

haven't blogged for a long time.. hah... this is really cool..

"There are many dangers that hedge round the unfortunate composer: pressure groups that demand true proletarian music, snobs who demand the latest avant-garde tricks; critics who are already trying to document today for tomorrow, to be the first to find the correct pigeonhole definition. These people are dangerous - not because they are necessarily of any importance to themselves, but because they may make the composer, above all the young composers, self-concious, and instead of writing his own music, music that springs naturally from his gift and personality, he may be frightened into writing pretentious nonsense, or deliberate obscurity. He may find himself writing more and more for machine, in condition dictated by machines, and not by humanity; or, of course, he may end by creating grandiose claptrap when his real talent is for dance tunes or children's piano pieces. Finding one's place in sociey as a composer is not a straight-forward job. It is not helped by the attitude toward the composer of some socities." - Benjamin Britten

so much happened in these few months.. so much so that.. i've really no idea what to blogged on.. hah.. i hope everyone is doing fine..

okay.. done..

its time.. forgive.. but dont forget..

2005-03-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

this season of lent.. God showed me many things.. of which Love and forgiveness!

He reminded me.. why cant i just forgive someone for something he did.. when God sent Jesus to die for all my sins! such great love isnt it?

as we approach the holy week.. i pray that i can love the pple i've not loved..

my key

2005-03-10T01:20:00.000+08:00

G# minor - You are not totally happy, and you know
it. At least you are trying to do something
about it. You like to think and create to try
and sort out your problems. Keep going the way
you are, and you will soon be on speaking terms
with your demons.

what key signature are you?
brought to you by

Happy V day to all!

2005-02-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

Hey pple.. havent been updating.. still recuperating.. anyhow.. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL!

hah... got a gift... tagged...

"MY DEAREST JOVY,

THE MILES IN BETWEEN, CANNOT SEPARATE,
OUR TWO SOULS ENTWINED, AS WINGED ANGELS,
HIGH ABOVE THE CLOUDS, WE ABIDE AS ONE,
IN HEAVEN OUR OWN.

YOUR CHERISHED"

sick sick sick...

2005-01-09T21:44:00.000+08:00

alright.. the start of the year hasnt been good i guess.. it has been the most SICK start ever.. really really down for the entire week.. promised myself that i will not miss any school... but.. think i really have to now...

was having sore throat on monday.. so went to see doctor immediately.. he gave me some antibiotics and lozenges.. alright.. and adviced me not to go to school on tuesday.. BUT.. as i promised myself.. i will not miss sch.. so i went.. despite many pple asking me to rest at home..

alright so i went.. and it got WORSE!.. really really bad.. whole day feeling restless.. drowsy.. chest pain.. and slight chill.. cant sleep for the entire night.. wheezing.. coughing.. flu.. everything! was really painful

so i finally decide to stay at home on wednesday.. to go see the doctor again.. alright.. the doctor was quite surprised to see me again.. well.. like he expect me to have recovered.. so.. he diagnosed that the sore throat has became bronchitis.. he said he will give me a heavier prescription.. heavier antibiotic and bronchidilator.. and now... 2 days MC.. and i SHOULD recover after that...

alright.. so i happily went home.. slept and slept.. an avg of 16 hours of sleep a day i calculated... only wake up for meals.. and check email and stuff.. and pray of cos.. but.. it just dont seem to get any better.. maybe slightly.. like 5%.. but wheezing and wheezing still..

then on thurs night.. puked some more.. wahz.. really felt super terrible.. then.. at about 3 am.. woke up suddenly.. finding my left ear blocked.. then was like.. i thought i coughed too hard and sort of some pressure inside my ear.. so i went online to check out what causes that and stuff.. and i found out.. EAR INFECTION!! ouch.. like.. my bronchial infection has infected my ear! felt abit of what beethoven felt like 200 years ago.. except mine is temporal la.. then felt really giddy.. and nausea.. haiz.. really super duper terrible..

alright.. so friday morning.. woke up and have to go see the doctor again.. wah.. was at the clinic at 8.. thought its suppose to open at 8.. but it opens only at 830.. so had a cup of milo and bread at the coffee shop before i went back to the clinic.. i was no. 1 at the clinic! wahz.. like super kiasu.. and when the doctor came.. he gave me that... "WHY ARE U HERE AGAIN?" kind of look.. then i went in.. he was like.. u havent recover ah? i was like.. yes.. and my ear is blocked! then he was like.. wahz.. "u really extreme case".. cos im just getting worser and worser each day! he told me the thing is called otitis media.. alright.. then he said.. "u need a jab".. i was like.. "WHAT!!??!?!.. alright.." lol.. actually i enjoy jabs.. so exciting.. feeling the fluid flow into your body.. alright.. then he asked me to rest in the clinic for a while cos i was feeling really giddy..

REST AND REST was what i had.. till today.. sunday.. i'm like only at most.. 30% recovered.. my course of antibiotics has finished.. and my ear is still blocked! argh... what can i do?

alright.. but i must say.. i've grown so much closer to God in just this week! i must say.. im really thankful that He has not forsaken me.. pray everyday.. though i cant sing Him praises with my hoarse voice.. but i really praise Him for everything He has given me.. though i missed school.. but i feel.. i have got closer to God.. which is above all! for He thought of me first.. above all.. really thankful for that..

one thing.. i guess God wants me to learn is.. not to take good health for granted..

really thankful for all my friends who have prayed for me and express their concern... really thankful for that! continue to pray for me.. for full recovery yea...?

reflections... resolutions...

2004-12-31T01:27:00.000+08:00

wahz.. been really long since i blogged! hah.. pple've been bugging me to update! look at isaac.. even threatened not to link me if im not going to update!! wahz.. what kind of bro are u...

well.. guess this is really going to be long... guess it'd be good to jot down some stuff about 2004 before it pass in less than 24 hours time.. and my new year resolution! hah...

so many pple to thank for this wonderful year i had! really really great year... so many lessons learnt... went thru so much... but.. HERE I AM... still able to survive! haha... all thanks to our wonderful heavenly Father... really want to thank Him for everything! amazing things He've done...

2004... a year full of ups and downs... the year didnt really started off well.. with so much problems at home... so much uncertainty.. such a rough path... really don't know where i was going to and stuff... without Him... i doubt i would be able to pull through this rough and tedious year... guess its all there for a purpose... i've learn more about life... living... and not everything is just about dying...

hope lawrence wont mind me adapting this from his blog...

..."I have become an alien in a foreign land." ~ Exodus 2:22

God's preparation of a leader involves training, extended times of waiting, pain, rejection, and isolation. Are you ready to sign up?Moses was brought up in Pharaoh's court. He had the very best of everything-education, clothing, food, and personal care. But there came a time when the man God would use to free an entire people from slavery was going to have to learn to be the leader God wanted. At age 40, when most of us want to be thinking about winding down instead of beginning a new career, Moses was forced to flee to the desert.

Like Joseph and Abraham, Moses had to endure some difficult years of preparation that first involved removal from his current situation. He went from notoriety to obscurity, from limitless resources to no resources, from activity and action to inactivity and solitude. And, most importantly, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. He probably thought he would die in the land of Midian.

Then one day, a full 40 years from the day he arrived, God appeared to Moses in a burning bush. Everything changed. God said, "It is time." The years had seasoned the vessel to prepare him to accomplish the work.

well.. what i went thru may not be as tough as what Moses went thru in his time.. but.. guess its a similar lesson God intends for me.. the process is really tough and tedious.. at times.. really wonder where God is.. is He really around.. and if He is.. why has He forsaken me?

but i know He's always there.. one of my favourite verse is from Proverbs 3:5-6...

"5 Have confidence in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not upon thy own prudence.
6 In all thy ways think on him, and he will direct thy steps."

well.. indeed He has invisibly directed me all the way for this entire year till where i am today...

have so many pple to thank! okay.. not in order of merit.. i shall start!...

hah... one of the most impt pple that have been with me through this tough and tedious year is lawrence... wahz... been thru so much... hah.. good times.. bad times... i'm really not an easy person to be with... but well.. thanks for tolerating all my nonsense... hah! thank you too for all your prayers when i most needed it... you've really been a great bro to me... always there... giving your advice... which U think i dont take seriously.. hah! well.. just to let u know... everything u say mean something to me... hah...

next.. let me see... will be my great teacher! it's UNCLE ZECHY!.. ! mr goh toh chai... he'll kill me if he sees the "MR".. lol.. hates being old.. haha... he's another guy who has been there for me all the while! a great teacher and of cos a great friend too.. he is one of the really few who can read my heart... so sensitive! cant escape him when i'm not feeling good.. hah! though i've not been a good student.. he put up with all my nonsense.. really so much trouble i caused him.. but he still treat me to the best he can! really grateful for that! also have to thank him for the knowledge he's pass on to me! continuosly reminded by him that "u can be selfish in music... once u're selfish.. it'll be reflected in your music!".. will always remember this and thanks for your un-selfish-ness in sharing your wonderful knowledge and joy of music with me!

ermz... next... will be DR Lee! hah... though we really communicate so little this year.. i still want to thank him for all the opportunities he has provided me with... a mentor to me... he's really pass lotsa knowledge on to me... not only musically... guess we'll work with each other much lesser in the coming year... but this years has really been great working with u! a great mentor u've really been!

so many pple i needa thank! okay.. i shall repeat... NOT IN ORDER OF MERIT k... haha...

of cos... I wanna thank ACS (BR) band! this year has brought me so much closer to them... learnt lots from u guys too! hah... so much we went thru together... though its only 1.5 years.. u guys are really a bunch of cool dudeS! hah... remember the first time i saw u guys... around 30 pple? or less? hah.. rehearsing for the school's opening ceremony... i was like... "DOOM".. this is the worst band im ever going to experience... haha... dont take it to heart... seriously.. that was what i thought to myself... u guys were really a rowdy bunch... do really weird things.. HAH! beyond imagination...

but in the 1.5 years... guess we really grew together.. grew stronger... of cos for the better! hah.. so much we got to know each other... u guys really mature so much as an ensemble... well.. God placed me there for a good 1.5 years.. a good part of my life spent.. a good portion of my life i'll not forget.. a great life lesson learnt! hah...

let me see if i can remember everyone from the band...

from flute... chong ern... he've been a great sl... i can see that u've been trying hard to improve! really appreciate all the effort that u've put in... next... jagjeet... hah! i've not been the best person to work with... my cranki-ness might have offended u.. i sincerely apologise... thanks for the time that u've been there! hah... oh ya.. next.. sheng hao! hah... this guy always looking so sleepy! but guess he's grown much as a flautist.. hah.. well.. he's been a really nice guy... will not forget the time we hang out together...

okay... this is getting tiring.. haha... but i'll press on..

next.. clarinet... IAN! hah... shaun's brother... this guy is really one of the most potential clarinettist at his age i've ever come across! able to tackle technically difficult passages in very short time! well.. though he's weird at times.. lol.. he's really funny.. guess u'll really grow to become a great musician one day... next.. who ah... ben ang... hah! guess my attitude is not always good... i scream when i hear u out of tune.. or playing wrong notes.. TOO BAD! u're sitting right in front of me! hah.. well.. sorry for all the time that i went crazy and started screaming... remember.. im just against the music.. nothing personal alright? hah.. next... is... erik! ermz... this quiet boy.. hah.. who join the band only in sec 2... has really grown much as a clarinettist... always willing to learn.. and one of the more committed members of the band... frederick! hah.. the guy that went to INDIA to do CIP... or is it mission trip? haha... caught him hanging with this girl! well.. this guy is really one of the more friendly pple.. loL! all the time crapping around... yeah.. and please do your job as an SL! wahaha...

next... saxophone! lol.. of cos... i'll not forget STUART... the devilish SHORT boy.. loL! well.. u're a really great player for your age... continue to work hard.. i'm sure u can excel as a sax player... and.. u have to start resisting food! lol... UNLESS u can start growing vertically instead of horizontally... next.. ryan.. this sec 1 boy which i see lots of potential in! a really committed sec 1.. almost there everytime! well.. all i can say is.. your commitment will pay off one day! alright.. of cos glenn... loL! isaac's brother... this boy can get really whiney! lol.. as in ... he whines alot! alright.. all i wanna say is... continue to serve God with His gift of music for u!

okay.. trumpet... ben fanG! of cos i'll always remmeber u.. lol... crappy guys who is into weird things like helicopters.. cars and stuff... LOL! alright.. seen how u grew as a trumpet player.. took on leadership role and served the band well... jonathan foo.. this guy... is really a quiet guy! talks too little... but i guess he has SO SO much more to offer! u should really speak up more yea? hah... next... jeb... this boy really improve so much since the beginning of the year... but one advice.. dont be overly ambitious eh? heh...

next.. HORNS... lol.. justin... took on leadership role after isaac's batch as a dm... must say u really served well as a dm... nice time working with u... and thanks for the time we've spent together in band... JEFRI! lol... my bro.. lol.. this guy is really a great great horn player who's a great interest in music of different genres! at his age... he's really matured ears.. listening to stuff which not many pple would be able to accept at his age... hah! now a student conductor... u're a leader.. u've to serve the band well alright? a leader has to take up much more responsibility.. not just a title for nothing.. well.. will always be here when u need help alright? lol.. also thank you for all those time which u crapped with me about being "bored"... lol.. all the cheese fries ate together.. all the movies watched together! u've been a really great bro to me!

okay.. next.. lol.. euphonium... only michael... this guy is also my bro! lol.. such a cool guy! so harmless... but also abit whiney at times.. haha... always whining bout this and that! lol.. alright.. really seen how seriously he took on the leadership role.. as a bm.. he has really done well.. took initiatives and stuff... thanks for all the time spent together alright! heh.. cheese fries and movies too! one thing i wanna say... u're a really great bro to have!

okay.. trombones... luther.. lol! always remind me of martin luther king... dunno why.. but well.. this guy who ask weird qns... questions of irrelevence.. lol... has really been a great member of the band.. a really proficient player... who's served the band well as an ABM.. continue to work hard and your hard work will definitely pay off.. isaac prakash.. lol.. always talking to jagjeet and erik about weird stuff which i really cant understand... lOL! well... really nice working with u the past 1.5 years... next.. shawn... lol... ermz.. what's your bro's name??!?! oh.. julian's bro.. lol.. alright.. u've been a nice member... one of the more committed members too... LOL!...

okay.. tuba! siang hui... lol... a really good QM.. u've take on the job well.. guess your bro must have taught u well.. lOL... remember the first time i saw u... WAH.. this small lil boy.. playing TUBA! lol.. guess hansel is like u years ago! thanks for being there all these while... hansel.. this lil boy.. lol.. u will nv believe he's a tubist the first time u see him! lol.. he's so small! have a feeling he's the same height as the tuba! lol.. well.. he's really crappy... ask him qns.. and his reply will be... "WHAT?".. till u really give up eventually...

percussion.. i can only remember jareth!! lol.. alright.. guess u need to find lesser excuse to skip band... lol!

sorry for those pple i left off.. cant really think properly at this time!! hahah

wahz.. this is really tiring!!! okay.. have to thank the previous batch too! isaac lim!! lol... david.. reuben... eldric... ernest.... lol... u guys have really been a great bunch of pple...

okay.. this small portion is for isaac lim... loL! this crappy boy.. lol.. always as lame as ever.. if there's a day which he's not lame.. its going to be the end of the world! lol... well... really gotta thank God for knowing u... it've really been great.. from working with u as a bm.. to a close bro of yours.. lol.. it's been a wonderful journey... yeapz.. lol.. look forward to more "hanging out together" sessions... and i'll always be here for u if u need me alright?

next.. roy lan! well.. guess u've been really busy and stressed up by A's.. lol.. you've really been strong and hang on till the end.. finally.. now its over! hah.. really gotta thank u for the times that u've been there... the time which we hang out together.. yeah.. u've and u'll always be in my prayer.. just remember.. u're not.. a hi-bye friend like what yina said! lol.. okay.. now.. TAN YINA.. try reading this name very fast.. and it might become a vulgarity.. LOL.. just kidding k! well.. sorry for the times that i've not been there when u needed me... u've always been there.. and i'm really grateful for that... really... remember.. u're not a hi-bye friend alright...? heh

let me think... aiyo!! so many many pple!! my nafa school mates... lol... thanks all of u for all your presence! all your support from each other all the while... pple like bernard... though your words might "cut" at times.. but u've helped me alot in this entire year... valerie... for your invaluable advice.. bitching.. and crapping... lol! sorry for the times that i "put your aeroplane"..LOL! emmanuel and gwendolin for the lunch-time bitching session! lol... thank you all of u!!

okay.. let me see.. so many so many pple... timothy misso! lol.. this boy has really been a great bro too! thanks for all your nice smses and stuff!

i'll just mention a list... eyes are really closing soon.. and its... 3 AM!! argh.. been doing this for the past 2 hours! alright...

here i go... REMEMBER.. not in order of merit!
kenneth koh!.. u've been a nice bro.. but i've not been.. LOL.. nvm..

marc toh... entertaining me on msn when im bored..

edison yeo.. hah.. though i dont know what happened to u after that...

of cos KELVIN LIAO!.. lol..

my farkov brothers! wennie.. tim chan.. davis! haiz.. been really difficult for us to meet up.. but we'll try to in the new year alright?

ermz.. and of cos Ms KAT LIM.. who has always been there.. since my college days.. can always count on her to hear my problems.. lol! she's also one of those sensitive freaks.. hah...

of cos my ex secondary school classmateS! the great bunch of friends which i'll always remember! the suppering times... lol... pple like... collin gan... teddy ho... kenny teo... desmond chen and weiguang! great suppering buddies always!

band fest friends too... hah... iansheng.. clive... and pple! been really difficult to meet up due to personal commitments.. haiz.. will arrange after the new year again yea...

my ex acjc mates! pple like karen! lol.. thanks for still having me as a friend... really miss those college days which we spent together!

ALVAN!.. lol..the silly boy that owe me kopi! lol..

haiz.. think my thanking list will end here... REALLY sorry to any of my close friends if i left out your name..

okay.. now.. let me talk bout my new year resolution... of cos.. i pray that God will guide me thru 2005... will be there for Him.. and i pray that i can readily say "Here I am, Lord..." whenever he calls upon me.. will serve Him fervently in the ensemble.. glorifying His awesome name!

guess i've many lessons to learn in this new year too after reading the book "tuesdays with Morrie..." actually.. death isnt really that scary.. if u're well prepared for it.. so many things that i've to learn from it... like... "love each other or perish.." and things like.. its okay to be sad.. once u experience sadness.. u know what it is like.. u can overcome it better... guess life is really too short for any hatred.. unhappiness with each other... no point having such feelings for each other... for when u leave one day.. u'll leave with that..

probably.. we should all leave this world with love... love is such a wonderful thing which can stay for a long time after u die... this life is too short for u to rot away with it... therefore my other resolution for this year will be "LOVE"! hah.. will try to love as much as i can! i think i cant do it alone.. but with God.. i believe i can! for He's a God of love and compassion! heh..

ermz.. my next new year resolution will be to stay focus in composition.. this year has been a really distracted year for me.. so many things happening.. been really unproductive!

well.. to sum it all up.. i hope whatever i do in the coming year will be to God's acceptance.. in everything i do.. everything i say... may He be GLORIFIED!

To God be the GLORY.... great thing HE has DONE!

Good bye Maestro

2004-12-09T15:31:00.000+08:00

havent post for a really long time, cos i really dont have any idea on what to post...

just wanna dedicate this entry to one of the late Maestro, Federick Fennell, who died peacefully 2 days ago... indeed its a great lost to the music industry.. and not to say the wind ensemble and band circle...

something he said to her daughter just before he died.. "A bit before Midnight, dad told me he was "frustrated and disappointed." When I asked him, "Why?" he replied, "There's no drummer here yet. I can't die without a drummer!" I told him that I loved him, and that "Heaven's best drummer was on the way." Moments later he said, "I hear him! I hear him! I'm OK now." This was my final conversation with my dad."

well... even great musicians have to die one day... i guess its how much leave behind for pple to remember u so fondly...

rest in peace Maestro...

who are we to judge our brothers and sisters?

2004-10-21T01:36:00.000+08:00

yes... i wouldnt deny that homosexuality is against God's teaching.. i understand that God said in Leviticus 20:13 "'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads."

Another verse is 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, which describes homosexuality as a "perversion" and says homosexuals will not possess the kingdom of God.

"9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

But these are judgements from God... NOT US...

im not saying that its right to be gay or lesbians... im just saying.. "WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS?"... that's my main concern... Jesus said in matthew 7:

1Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
6"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

God is telling us not to judge our brothers and sisters... so why the discrimination? i dont see why there has to be any discrimination going on... yes.. its wrong... we all know its wrong... but.. "WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE?" well.. God mentioned in the passages... that its... ADULTERY that he's against... so what if a guy is attracted to another guy (meaning a homosexual)... does it mean he's committing adultery? he's not even lying with another guy... i really dont understand why pple has to be so negative about these things...

perhaps.. these pple are also unhappy being the way they are.. being discriminated... let me ask u a question.. would u be happy discriminated? nobody would! everyone wish that they could lead a life like the rest.. a so-called "normal" life... just because of their sexual preference.. and hence.. they're being outcast... and thought of as being "weird"...

i guess u wouldnt be happy too if u're in their shoe... coping with this isnt an easy task... instead of helping them... pple are saying things like.. "would u be friends with sinners?"... like aren't we all sinners? who did Jesus come for? Christ came to cleanse the lepers... the "stained"... the sinners... ALL OF US... Christ came for ALL OF US...

1stly.. u're saying "would u be friends with sinners?"... let me ask u a question... arent we are sinners? so what make a homosexual more sinful than us? and who are we to JUDGE that they're more sinful?

i guess.. more reach out work should be done to help these pple... instead of discriminating... why not let the angel rejoice! bring more souls to His kingdom... for Thy is the Kingdom... and the Glory.. and the Power for evermore...

so let us not judge... but be judged... and when the day come... we can rise to the glory of the Lord...

"For every one that asketh, receiveth: and he that seeketh, findeth: and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

Or what man is there among you, of whom if his son shall ask bread, will he reach him a stone?"

"would u want to be friends with sinners?"

2004-10-12T01:24:00.000+08:00

weird weird weird.. im so affected tonight... was in #christian as in irc... and i realised that people from certain channels are banned from going into #christian... those are the gays channels and lesbian channels... im amazed by how receptive pple are towards homosexuality... wow... such a daring topic im talking about.. im just rather sadden by the fact...

homosexuality indeed is a sin! but... does it mean we have to turn our backs on them? does it mean that they're goners? no turning back for them? they're just gonna be sinners till they die and go to hell? and we (christians) are just gonna see them go to hell and not do anything bout it? someone actually asked me... "would u want to be friends with sinners?" what a question to ask...

alright... firstly.. are all of us not sinners? so being gay is a "heavier" sin than telling a lie? i don't think anybody can be so free from sin... even peter... such a close follower of Jesus.. denied Jesus 3 times before the rooster crowed! even he had fell short of God.. so how can we say that we're free from sin? and we arent sinners at all?

alright.. if u think that lying is less of a sin than being gay... i think u're wrong.. cos all sins weigh the same to God.. so what's with "would u want to be friends with sinners?"

why are christians turning their back on such pple rather than reaching out to them? did Jesus come for pple who are saved? He didnt.. He reached out to sinners! did mother teresa stay in the seminary to teach? good life... she didnt... she went out to the streets of calcutta to reach out to those unloved... leading a harder life...

why are pple rejecting homosexuals? homosexuals cant be your friend? why dont we convert these energy into reaching out to them... telling about the love of God... by putting the ban... u're basically showing pple.. "these pple are outcast..." that's the msg they get... and it is sending the wrong msg to non-christians! Jesus said... "come to me.. " he did not say... "GO AWAY!" ... arent we suppose to be more god-liked? following the footsteps Jesus set? why the discrimination? why not show them the right path... and bring them back to the light of God.. pray for them... love them... instead of seeing them going astray ... that's all evangelism is all about isnt it?

guess something worth reflecting upon.. indeed an eye-opener for me...

back....

2004-10-09T15:28:00.000+08:00

hey.. finally able to update my blog.. my IE was screwed.. that's why havent been updating for quite some time...

well.. life havent been good.. guess the loneliness is getting on me... trying to not let it affect my work.. but.. somehow.. its tough.. but im trying..

went to visit some art exhibition by ju ming.. said some really philosophical stuff...

"An artist must live a simple life. He must go back to the basic and have a childlike disposition so that he would not be easily influenced. One must find one's Self, find one's lost Self, in order to reinforce one's own nature. That is what i calle Self-Cultivation or Practice." - Ju Ming

"Why does art need to be cultivated? Because it cannot be learnt. Learning is a process. It can show you the way other people do things. But the most important thing is what you yourself want to achieve. What is your style? This is something that has to come from you through daily cultivation. The challenge of cultivation is to forget what you have learnt. You need to forget the methods of others, their ideas and their techniques, while retaining the wisdom of learning. If you don't forget, you'll always be hanging onto things that aren't yours. Where can you find the space for yourself? And how can you prevent the shadow of others from falling over your works? The only way is by devoting yourself fully to the process of self-cultivation. This has to begin with your everyday life. It is the process of nurturing back yourself. It allows art and life to merge into a inseparable entity. This is the only way to regain the Self that you have lost. This takes a life-time of practice. Of course it is not easy to do so. That is why self-cultivation or practice is like planting the seed of art so that it grows to fill the entire person. It is deep-rooted transformation of everything that you are. It allows art to occupy your whole person and dictate your actions. It enables your every move to become art." - Ju Ming

"Art occupies your whole person and dictates your every action. You don't just think about things you casteor saint. Just follow your actions. That's art. It's that simple." - Ju Ming

something worth pondering upon for artist...

sorry to friends whom i've neglected... just needed time for myself i guess.. dont worry.. guess i'd be fine.. thanks for all your concern.. esp. to those who are having their o's or a's... all the best..

Jovan... please add in entries

2004-09-22T22:52:00.000+08:00

It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness and of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, and everlasting beauty of monotony.
- Benjamin Britten

2004-09-05T13:46:00.000+08:00

havent been really penning anything down lately..

watched the dvd.. mother teresa lately.. really an inspiration... how much someone is willing to devote into showing the love of God for the weak.. and the poor... helping the poor among the poor... lots of stuff to learn about God...

"u must not be afraid in being a sign of contradiction for the world.."

the show ended with this....

"Lord... make me an instrument of peace..
where there is hatred.. may i bring love...
where there is offence.. forgiveness..
where there is doubt... faith....
where there is desperation.. may i bring hope..
where there is sadness.. let me bring joy..

allow me to console ... rahter than be consoled....
to understand than to be understood..
to love rather than to be loved..
Because giving is receiving!

Because it is in forgiving that we are forgiven...
it is in dying that we're born in eternal life..."

wow.. these words are really amazing.. we often forget that we're made instruments of God.. showing others of His greatness and love..

she made a great sacrifice.. going against all odds.. to help the poor among the poor in calcutta.. though what she did might have little help to the pple.. BUT.. what she did.. actually kept some empty stomach full.. and healed the sickness... all in the name of God... indeed she devoted her life to the poor... the sick... and more often.. the forgotten..

hah.. bye..

stressed.. burnt.. vexed

2004-09-04T18:33:00.000+08:00

havent been updating..

been feeling stressed.. burnt.. vexed...

fell since thurs.. fever and sore throat...

bad.. haiz..

meaningful words...

2004-09-04T18:28:00.000+08:00

I sit on a hill, lost in my reverie,
of memories of happiness we'd shared,
and those of sorrows faced.

Love, pain and betrayal,
these are but phases to experience..
Discard the old, and start anew,
for there'll always be someone beside of u.

thanks to "a poem for u".... really grateful for such touching words...

boring...

2004-08-28T13:25:00.000+08:00

been a real tiring week... had class for major studies yesterday... showed mr goh what i've done for the past 3 days... which amounts to about 8 hours of work... lol... but as usual.. in the end.. he demanded for more... k la.. quite an enjoyable class... talked bout lots of things.. about composer working within deadlines... as a composer... one has to live to meet deadlines.. once u delay... u'll be dismissed... the next time u wont get the job again... well.. that's the real world i guess...

then after class walked around alone.. tried to call many pple to talk to or go out with.. but.. lol.. nobody seem free.. so walked around alone... haiz... thought thru lots again... well.. guess im a guy who reflects pretty much.. esp when im alone.. think about almost everything... life.. studies.. love.. work.. hah.. almost everything under the sun.. things dont seem to be going well.. i dont know what's wrong.. but there's just something wrong some where..

well.. doesnt matter.. then walked to suntec city from school.. cos mummy ask me to got to the computer exhibition to take a look cos i gonna get a new laptop and a laser printer... so went there to see... super duper crowded lor... then just took a few brochures and left... then didnt know what to do... then went back to school again... dunno what to do... wanted to compose.. but just cant get down to work... guess feeling drained after too much thinking.. well... just slacked around the music tech lab... till 9 plus i think...

this morning.. woke up early.. composed... since 9 plus.. till like 12 plus... super no life. havent taken my breakfast yet.. lol.. super no life right? then just finish listening to a reacording of tchaikovsky violin concerto played by akiko suwannai.. wahz.. miss her man... she's really damn pro! lol.. so excited to see gil shaham on tues!

something worth reading and reflecting upon?

2004-08-27T14:17:00.000+08:00

Our Apple Tree

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow... He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him.

Time went by... the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree everyday. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad. "Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy. "I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them." "Sorry, but I don't have money...but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money." The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad.

One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited. "Come and play with me" the tree said. "I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?" "Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy, but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad.

One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said. I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?" "Use my truck to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree truck to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.

Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you..." the tree said. "I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied. "No more truck for you to climb on" "I am too old for that now" the boy said. "I really can't give you anything ... the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears. "I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied. "Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest. Come, Come sit down with me and rest." The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears.......

This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parents. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad... When we grown up, we left them...only came to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may think the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parents.

well.. guess.. worth reflecting on ourselves before its too late.. come to think of it.. we wont have much time with our parents... think of the sacrifices they've done for us..

something worth reading

2004-08-26T19:16:00.000+08:00

Subject: Do U miss him?

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. He never contacted his father again for long long time.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.

Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. When he Read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.

It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words ..PAID IN FULL. How many times do we miss GOD blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

m i expecting too much? m i giving too little?

2004-08-26T17:12:00.000+08:00

well.. just came back from teaching montfort band.. thought can be happy like other practices i had with them.. but ended with a disappointment.. really a super low note.. really depressing.. thought they could deliver more.. so expected more from them.. but really disappointed..

while walking home.. thought thru alone.. what happened and stuff.. am i being too lenient? am i being too nice with them? perhaps i've been too lenient.. cos i seriously think that going for band is suppose to be something fun... music making should be fun... but it wasnt fun at all today! really cant stand it.. some stuff really get into my nerves.. disrespectful behaviours.. (pple talking when rehearsing certain section, pple playing anything they like, pple fooling around etc.).. ended up with the band leaders punishing them.. such things really hurts..

asked them to practise some basic stuff.. really basics.. but they didnt do it also.. the reason why im pushing so hard is that they're really far behind the standard they ought to be at by now.. seriously.. most sec 1s i took are playing pcses which their seniors are playing.. they're really too far behind... just trying to make sure they catch up in time.. but they just dont seem to be giving enough..

i experienced this many times while teaching acs b... seem to get out of it easily... i dont know why.. perhaps cos montfort is my alma mater... so expect much more from them.. some pple told me not to have high expectations.. but well.. if i've no expectation as an instructor.. they'll nv learn..

im not a strong believer of punishments or scoldings.. i dont wish to act like a tyrant.. i know it isnt fun getting punished.. cos i've been thru such things.. like what i've said.. going for band should be something fun.. making the practice fun.. im really trying hard not to get angry or aggitated.. but its really getting from bad to worse.. at times almost going crazy.. it just gets to your nerves.. why are these boys so insensitive to pple's feeling? well.. i dont balme them anyway..

what should i do now? expect lesser? or scold them every week and make sure they practice... if they dont punish them? need some serious advice here..

i really do see the potential in them.. they're not stupid to begin with.. rather responsive.. learn fast.. but they're just too playful... i must say they've really improved alot since the 1st time heard them... but its not enough.. they've to go much further than that.. which i believe they can.. that's why i gave them those stuff to do.. believing that they'll do it.. but its just disappointing...

hope things will really turn out better the next time i see them... or may be i should go with 0 expectation? well.. just hope for the best i guess...

perhaps feeling down cos of other things too.. havent been feeling too good lately.. haiz.. dont really know what to do bout it.. argh.. where do i go from here?

boring day...

2004-08-23T17:48:00.000+08:00

hah.. nothing much today.. woke up at 930.. haiz.. then went to school.. cos i thought that choir's at 1100... but its at 1130!! could have slept half an hour more... which is quite alot.. lOL! the choir gonna perform on sep 11th.. for some ong teng cheong thingy.. haiz.. but the pcs (shadow catcher) we're singing is abit dry.. hope it would be better when casteels finally come to conduct us... or else.. really dont know what the pcs is trying to say..

after choir.. went for lunch with albert and wilson.. had fun talking to them.. talked bout schools.. teachers.. principals.. HOD.. lol.. how difficult it is to handle them... which is true la... these pple only think of getting all the awards and medals at competition... and often not think of the development of the ensemble.. how much the students learn.. which is much more impt than the awards.. some bands or choirs practice for 2 years.. to prepare for just the SYF... which means.. in 2 years.. they only practise 2 - 3pcses... so what do the kids learn from this? how are they going to benefit? so what if u the ensemble get a gold after 2 years? i doubt they've learn much..

after lunch... wanted to hang around school for awhile.. but... nobody was around.. so.. went home.. waited damn long for the bus la! like 45 mins? haiz.. then reached home.. bathed.. and started composing.. or else mr goh gonna nag again.. lol.. hmm.. this sem on folk music.. interesting la.. but seriously.. he's a really dedicated teacher... helped me alot not only in terms of my work.. but also in life.. really appreciate it alot.. not easy to have a teacher like that.. but well.. i must really get down to work in order not to disappoint him.. haha.. "compose 4 hours a day! " but.. lol.. only done 2 hours today.. and feeling brain dead... rather dry.. but will continue later.. gotta see him tmr to show him what i've done... tmr quite a short day... only have harmony lecture and history lecture...

oh ya.. got an sms from kelvin liao in the morning that he would be free during oct and he wanna go on a short trip... so we're planning to go on a short trip to hk for a weekend.. dunno yet.. everything kinda tentative... gotta arrange... haiz.. need to relax some time.. or else im feeling really really dry.. lOL!... alright.. that's all.. trying to get down to blog everyday!! well.. im trying..

to all my friends who are going thru their a's or o's now.. really all the best.. be praying for u guys.. believe that u guys can do it.. its just a few more months.. so press on yea? tata..

moving on?

2004-08-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff that life is made of."

we always hear pple saying.. "move on la".. when u tell them that u miss something... someone... in actual fact.. its not easy to move on... especially to something u hold so dearly... sometimes it just makes u wonder what made these pple so heartless... totally emotionless...

hah... discussed abit bout this with desmond... he's not moving on after his break up... and shared views and stuff... interesting... which brought me back to think of myself.... been 3 years... and the question i asked myself is... have i moved on?

guess im someone who always look back... been 3 years since we parted... the beautiful memories we shared in a year really make me miss this person very much... the wonderful memories... even though this person did so many nasty things later on... lied to me and stuff.. i still held on...

well.. its difficult to let go.. or move on... seriously.. its not easy... its really so easy for this person to move on.. moved on so much ahead of me... but i just cant move on... i know this person wouldnt come back... but im still waiting... some pple say.. i gotta give others a chance... but i've tried... tried so many times... but no one just seem to be comparable... seriously... been hunting for 3 years... but just couldnt get myself down to it... perhaps i just lost confidence in such things..

its really haunting... 3 years... and this thing is still haunting me... been thru so much in this 3 years... cried for almost a year... went into depression for months... couldnt eat couldnt sleep... now.. this is where i am... thinking that i've moved on... but to find myself back at the same spot... i really question... "is there love eternally?" when someone say that he/she will love u forever... is it really forever?

well... guess really gotta learn to move on... not easy... but still have to do it... or else its really miserable...

got this from somewhere...

"There seems to be a common notion among many of us, which is that love is unselfish. The adage goes "If you love someone, you will let her go. If the two of you are meant to be together, she will come back to you someday." Bah. It is but an attempt to soothe one's broken heart, to console oneself over a failed relationship.

For me, the fact is that if you really love someone, you will never want to let her go. You will want to cling onto her if it's the last thing you do. The moment you decide to release her is the moment you have decided that love is not enough. That love cannot - in spite of all the faith we have in it - conquer all. I couldn't agree more.. I was never a firm believer that love was truly unselfish."

k la.. enough... bye bye...

getting a life...?

2004-08-21T21:17:00.000+08:00

"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough. " - Joe Lewis

well.. how true.. we dont get a 2nd life if we screw this one up.. well.. what is life all about? getting all the degrees? getting all the fame? getting all the money u want? is this life's all about? or is life more than all these?

in today's society... we seem blinded by all these standards set before us... it just seem like the end of the world if we fail to get any degrees... or getting a well-paid job... we always say that we're in control of our life... but is it really true that we are in control or are we controlled by circumstances?

pple no longer talk from their soul... about their inner self.. well.. it seems easier to write a resume than to tell pple about the real you... so what if u have a fantastic resume.. but u dont enjoy whatever u r doing.. u dont enjoy your life?

seriously... imagine one day... u find a lump in your brain.. your breast... or wherever... u'll regret that life...

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage"

u need love in life.. or else.. there isnt any flame to burn u on... love is like the "fuel" in life...

a life which is lonely isnt a living soul... seriously... have been feeling really down lately.. dont know why... really feel loneliness... everyone seems to be busy mugging... haiz.. wanna go out also dont know who to call.. rather stay at home.. trying to get down to real work... but difficult...

well.. hope i can get down to work real soon... tata

heh... ups and downs?

2004-08-17T18:47:00.000+08:00

woohoo! back to blogging! well... lol.. lotsa pple bugging me to update but... really couldnt find the mood to do so... really feeling rather down... but i've got some time today.. cos im on MC... sick la.. then gotta keep the promise to updage my blog.. lOL!

been thru lotsa up and downs in just a few months... but well.. really enjoyed myself in switzerland.. nice company i had... ms lim... derek... lynn.... all super nice la! lol... bridged all night! really enjoyed alot during the trip... but too bad derek is in states studying now... haiz... then ruoxi is leaving 2 weeks later.. so many of my friends are all overseas studying...

okok.. back to talk about the trip... the place is beautiful la.. cooling.. nice people.. at least u dont get to hear cars honking around.. the moment u wake up.. u see the beautiful alps.. lol! absolutely beautiful! k k... enough about switz...

after that came back.. something really unlucky happened... really turned everything around... for a moment.. i really didnt know what to do.. I LOST MY BAG! lost my bag in acs b... left it in the canteen.. then was happily conducting the band... lol... then start to wonder what i was missing when the band played "square 21" of alvamar overture (the killer bar in the piece)... then i realise that my bag is missing.. when i go out.. i couldnt find my bag... went around the sch.. still couldnt find.. then in the end continued the band practice...

i just continued the prac like nothing had happened.. didnt want to let this affect other pple.. not their fault also.. though i was quite sad that all my compositions are missing.. like 30 over... then all my switz pics are inside too! haiz.. really quite sad..

i've been attending classes faithfully since the start of the term... except today la.. MC... classes are more interesting... got a nicer history lecturer... but the topic is rather dry.. LOL.. ethnic music... (malay and indian music)... aiyo.. really super dry lor.. but shouldnt complain la.. i've a nice lecturer.. heh..

have been going back to teach montfort lately.. the sec 1s... the first time i stepped into the band... it really made me reflect upon my sec 1 days.. really cool! lol.. though when i started the band.. i almost fainted..! pple cant even play a B-flat properly! i was like.... ARGH!! then they were abit playful.. like we were! lol... so nvm la... but it really feels great to be back helping your alma mater... its where u come from... its where your roots are... like said in the movie, last samurai.. "we cannot forget who we are, or where we come from"... cool man!

something bach said... "It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself." very true... lotsa new year 1s in my school now... seen lotsa them... well.. i must say some are really nice.. but some are just plain cocky.. lol.. i dont understand how some pple can get in with no proper training... cant even count proper rhythms... some of which... any 5 year-old can do it! im serious.. haiz.. well.. guess shouldnt question too much...

haha.. should stop here la.. pple! give me ideas on what to blog...

2004-07-02T03:50:00.000+08:00

"Your lost friends are not dead, but gone before, Advanced a stage or two upon that road Which you must travel in the steps they trod."

well... have been composing quite alot lately... other than that... went for the band rehearsal for SYF on wed... thiik tk's gonna do well... requires more confidence i guess... but.. really good job!

some news just strike without any signs or notice... news of someone near death reach me... is this really what life is about? well... i believe God has His plans.. our part is to reach out to these pple.. hopefully they'll be home with God eventually.. really.. nothing is certain except physical death.. we cant predict anything.. except that one day we'll die eventually.. but we can choose where we want to be.. to be home with God.. or a lost sheep..

as long as we can confidently say this... when we die... we should be save... 2 Tim 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing."

a prayer...

One day, Lord, I will be with you.
I will stand in your presence,
tired of wandering,
weary of the inconsequential.
Then I want to bathe in innocence
and experience the freedom of the children of God.
I will lay aside my failures
like old clothings.
Then I will know what holiness is:
to be chosen,
to be near you,
and to surve the fire of purity.

finally over..

2004-06-27T01:46:00.000+08:00

"The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success."

woohoo!.. finally the concert is over! hah.. dunno how many feel bout this concert.. but guess it means alot to the band memebers.. lol.. well.. i would say the overall performance of the band wasnt too bad! it was really hard and tedious preparing this band for the concert.. loL! like mr lee mentioned during the concert.. these ppl are really playful.. but well.. guess they should be proud of themselves..

then after then concert.. went to dinner with isaac, weichang n eldric.. haha.. wanted to eat at newton circus.. BUT.. it was super duper crowded.. so we decided to take a bus to PS to eat instead... isaac wanted to eat at pasta mania.. but it was too crowded also.. then eldric wanted something budget.. so long john silver.. but.. there were no seats also... then we went to KFC.. this time.. was my suggestion.. cos wanted to have the BUDDY meal.. lol.. BUT.. the air-con there dont seem to be working! so ended up in BK.. lol..

really enjoyed my dinner with them.. really cool bunch of pple.. guess they're really happy bout this concert.. which they really ought to.. hah.. then ernest sms me somemore.. he said that this concert is really worth remembering.. like quite wth.. lol.. nv expected him to feel so much for the band.. really proud of him.. he even said that he wish that this night would nv end.. LOL.. funny.. but it was really from him.. guess we really need more of such stuff to really gel the band together.. well.. im really proud of the band.. hope the band would work hard to scale greater heights.. esp. in preparing for next year's syf! im sure they can do it..

"Pray that success will not come any faster than you are able to endure it." and the famous motto of acs.. The best is yet to be!

k.. shall shorten my entry.. haha.. with roy's advice.. nite pple.. really tired..

"Ars Longa, Vita Brevis - Art (is) Long, Life (is) Short"

2004-06-25T18:58:00.000+08:00

"Don't sacrifice your life to work and ideals. The most important things in life are human relations. I found that out too late." -Katharinde Prichard

"Ars Longa, Vita Brevis - Art (is) Long, Life (is) Short"

lol.. this is cool.. art is long.. life is short.. so make your life a fulfiling one with arts! it'll be more than enough for a life-time...

alrite! i'M back.. trying to blog more often.. to prevent pple from saying that i don't update my blog! heh.. let me start talking about yesterday.. woke up at 1.. and then travelled to national stadium to watch the SYF opening ceremony's rehearsal.. cos i dont know how to go.. so decided to take a cab..

board the cab... and the cab drove... then he went by the mount vernon way.. where all the crematoriums are.. brought back memories of when my uncle's death.. hah.. though its already about 5 or 6 years back.. it really start making me wonder about my relationship with everyone.. will i regret one day on my death bed?

at the end of the day.. no matter how much money u have.. how much assets u have... u cant bring with u.. u'll just become ashes.. hah.. i doubt anyone in their deathbed would regret not spending enough time working.. but not spending enough time with the love ones...

well.. i guess.. following up with my previous entry.. this would be a good reminder for us that we should spend more time with our loved ones too.. there is no time for regrets in life... well.. such is life..

alrite alrite.. then i reach the stadium... alrite la.. quite happening.. then this freaking bitch teacher from deyi band.. made so much freaking noise on the chinese drums.. she think she's damn freaking great.. scolded the students from tk.. like wth right? scare lose then dont take part lor.. okok.. actually all the band's performance isnt too bad... all rather around the same standard.. now.. all just depends on what the judges are looking for i guess? entertainment? precision? etc etc..

this morning woke up... and went to acs b... tmr's their concert... finally... haha.. prepared for so long.. guess they'll do a good job.. well.. i've faith in them.. they have so much potential... just have to practise harder.. slack lesser... have more effective sectionals.. haha! i guess this "slack-tional" thing happens in most schools la... ehh.. but not true.. i doubt it happens when i was helping out at tk.. maybe its just boys.. lol..

then after that.. went to ICA. formally known as SIR.. hah.. to extend my passport.. didnt know they change to ICA.. well.. that's all!

"Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun."

such is life...

2004-06-24T01:36:00.000+08:00

"Life is everywhere. The earth is throbbing with it, it's like music. The plants, the creatures, the ones we see, the ones we don't see, it's like one, big, pulsating symphony."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

ehhh... today shall not talk about music... lOL... pple said my blog entries are boring... either that.. or they complain that i dont update it... some pple said that the purpose of a blog is for u to write everyday... ermz.. but who would have so much to write everyday? lOl... then roy suggested writing shorter entries... ehh.. maybe it works.. havent tried... BUT.. the problem is.. once i start typing.. its quite difficult to stop.. heh...

had quite an good day... went to school to meet mr goh... had some instructions to arrange something for national day for a stage band setting.. so i guess i'll work on home... heh.. then he showed me the sax concerto he just wrote recently.. looks interesting.. his professor gonna play it for the concert with phil winds.. should be really interesting!

then after that.. met up with ms lim... or mdm lim.. or mrs.. ehh.. dont know what.. haha.. had a great time catching up.. went to taka la mian for dinner... pass her some photos which was like taken really long ago.. its photos taken during the guang zhou trip which the band went 2 years ago.. heh... was really fun.. taking about the stuff we gonna do in switzerland this time.. (B&B). basically B&B means bridging and bitching.. LOL... something which we did for the guangzhou trip every nite.. bitch and bridge at the same time.. fun..

think acjc band is crazy.. loL.. flying on 6th.. but only start practice on 3rd july.. LOL.. dunno.. well.. the best is yet to be.. lol..

lemme see.. i shall talk about life today.. loL.. dunno.. something i read from one of my previous teacher's profile.. which i think its very true.. basically.. "every meeting signifies another departure".. u must be prepared to part with every meeting.. like the chinese saying goes.. "no banquet can last forever".. well.. SUCH IS LIFE.. we gotta face it.. no matter how much we want to hold on to someone.. someone whom we're really close to.. or even just a normal friend.. ultimately.. we still have to part.. basically.. this will happen to me and u one fine day too.. we dont know what comes next.. what's standing in our way.. what we would face.. all we know.. is that we'll part one day.. the parting of pple around u just happen without any signs.. or the twin tower collapsing.. or SARS outbreak.. it may not have hit us.. but think of those pple that are affected? guess we just have to face it when it happen to us.. be prepared for anything that might happen.. well.. the only certainty is that nothing is certain... its really not a pleasant thing that we have to live in such a life.. but i believe its all for a greater cause..

it's the memory that each meeting has that would burn for a life time! not the physical body.. it's all the beautiful memory that we have with each other that really matters.. the physical body can't last a life time... but the memories can..

"If any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, I do think it is memory. There seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! We are, to be sure, a miracle every way; but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting do seem peculiarly past finding out."

heh. a nice quote about memory.. well.. all i have to say is.. this life is short.. keep more friends than enemies.. this life is too short for hatred.. must really find the people who we can part with good memories.. well... we just have to hope that each parting would signifies the begining of yet another wonderful 'meeting'... a life time may be too short to find out about your friend.. that's why.. start now.. find out more bout me.. muahaha.. kidding.. but really hope that every memory of our friendship would be a great one.. so that there'll be no regrets when we eventually part... well.. SUCH IS LIFE...

"There isn’t much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren’t really living without it."

2004-06-12T16:37:00.000+08:00

"You've changed everything. But you are right, it should be like that." Brahms (composer) said to Nikisch (conductor)

really really really a long time since i last blogged... lol.. really difficult to get myself to blog after some time... i just keep procrastinating... ermz... guess this procrastinating thing is really getting onto me... haiz... really needa get out of this mindset and start clearing some shit and not just pushing them away...

didnt really expect my hols to be so busy... had camp with acs i... ermz... guess it isnt too bad... the had concert with acjc on thurs nite... i guess the concert went pretty well.. of cos not as good as some of the rehearsals... but.. it still went well.. the repertoire was really difficult.. lol.. one of the better concerts so far i guess.. and the programme booklet is really really nice!!

after the camp and the concert... really feel very lazy to do anything... to go out and stuff... really tired and exhausted... guess i really need a break...

well.. you must be wondering about the above quote... it was something Brahms (a composer) told Nikisch (a conductor) after a concert... this conductor changed so much that the music is really how the composer wanted it to be... therefore my question is... should a conductor be a "magician", to churn out something from mere notes to something magical.. more than what the composer want.. or just follow the score very closely.. as what the composer has notated?

i believe life as a conductor isnt easy... who's your main target when it comes to interpretation? the composer? the audience? or the conductor themselves? well... guess its something worth thinking about...

alrite.. guess i'll end here for now.. hope i can get myself to update it more often.. lol..

Two golden rules for an orchestra

2004-05-27T22:53:00.000+08:00

"There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between." - Thomas Beecham

LOL... interesting comment made by the conductor thomas beecham... well... but we just can't live by that... but that's something which we look out for more when we go for a performance..

Initially can't wait for holidays to come.. but now getting really bored though its like just a few days into the hols... don't know how I'm going to go through the entire holidays.. well.. just have to find something to keep me occupied... probably will be busy practicing the trombone... have to play the 2nd trombone part for acjc for the trip.. its like... nothing much I can do this hols... getting real boring.. its either going for band practices or composing at home.. like nobody to ask to go out also.. all the sec 4s gonna have o's and all the j2s preparing for their a's... all my batch-mates from acjc all seem so busy too.. either they are working or preparing to go overseas and study... its like... wanna go out also don't know who to call...

Ok... let me talk abit about my boring day... woke up... wrote abit of music... though I was feeling abit dry... but still had to tell myself to get down to work... now Im really experiencing the life of a composer... its really not easy... you gotta have the self discipline to keep writing, nobody's going to force you to do it... you just need to be disciplined enough to keep writing... so much so about self discipline... at times... a composer may feel really dry... dry of ideas... that doesnt mean stop composing... that means that have to start getting ideas again... through reading... getting out... looking at more things... and stuff like that... the so-called 'getting inspiration'... lol... its not easy to come up with a piece of music... so much work has got to be done... that's why I feel that no works by anyone should be taken lightly... the composer really did a lot to come up with it... so please do not demean any works by anything... be careful with critics...

Just recently... something not very pleasant happened just because of a mere harmless statement made by a friend of mine and it was blown up till something really big... both parties were my friend and therefore I'm sorta trapped in the middle... really not easy to be fair for anyone in that position... when I speak up for person A.. person B thinks that I'm siding with person A... then when I speak up for person B... I'm seen to be siding person A... I mean... as friends... we should let such matter rest and forget about it... I mean... nobody's perfect and we don't expect each other to be perfect to... I hope things would turn out better soon for this matter...

Lol... anyway... continue with my day... after writing abit of music... I went to acs b because mr lee ask me to... the band wasnt too bad today... but guess some players need to practice their parts individually... need to put in more effort... anyway... read something about a conductor today... here it goes...

"His eyes hold the whole orchestra. Every player feels that the conductor sees him personally and, still more, hears him... He is inside the mind of every player. He knows not only what each should be doing but what he is doing. He is the living embodiment of law, both positive and negative. His hands decree and prohibit.. and since, during the performance, nothing is supposed to exist except this work, for so long is the conductor ruler of the world."

Ermz... rather interesting description of a conductor... in this case... the conductor represents a dual form of escapism... the longing to lose oneself in music combined with an urge to sublimate in the actions of that all-powerful figure on the podium... indeed a conductor is a very important figure in any ensembles... great conductors from the past really left a legacy in the ensemble... like berlin phil... furtwangler and karajan... these important figures indeed brought the orchestra to where it is today... Vienna... had a much longer history than berlin I guess... even had mahler as their music director... today this great orchestra is conducted by guest conductors... a conductor can really make a great difference to how an orchestra sound... just in local context... how different SSO will sound under 2 different conductors...

Later on when I came hom... went online and came across a very interesting critic talking about classical music... its really brain-less.. LOL.. http://www.classicstoday.com/features/0404-editorial.asp ... I'll just comment on part of the article.. well.. he started off saying that 'proponents are a very defensive group'... but.. any groups would want to protect their interest... so why can't the classical music lovers? Ok... At the end... he made 10 very unfavourable comments.. which I really have to say something about it...

1st.. he commented that all mozart's works sounds the same... lol... try listening to his operas... his masses... his requiems... his symphonies... do they all sound the same? Judge for yourself.... well.... I know people who thinks that all Mozart sounds the same... but well... composers need a personal signature isn't it? Talking about pop songs.... its even worst... lol... all of them indeed sound the same to me.. oops... someone's gonna write something back to shoot me for that...

2nd... he said beethoven's grosse fuge is just plain ugly... well... Im really against that comment... to begin with... isn't meant to appeal people as something pretty... its something more than that... its something more intellectual... the structure of the fugue that is amazing... the beauty lies there... you dont comment on a book just by looking at the cover do you? Well... I just have to say... please look deeper into the work before you make such comments...

3rd... 'wagner operas are better with cuts'... LOL... hell with it man... it's a great masterpiece by a great opera composer... just like saying the statue of david is too obscene... take that cock off.. I mean... what the hell.. it's a great piece of art work... how can anyone actually make such comment? I agree that some of the operas are too long.. lasting up to 6 hours... but the essence of it is in the 6 hours isn't it?

4th comment he made 'No one cares about the first three movements of Berlioz' Symphonie fantastique'... symphonie fantastique is a work which most people use to study orchestration... I think only that idiot who wrote this don't care about the 1st 3 movment of this great work! This music is a break through in the 19th century.. after beethoven's 9th symphony... it seemed like there's nothing else a composer can do with the form 'symphony' and berlioz came up with his first programme symphony... which is symphonie fantastique.. its like saying.. 'orchestras only perform the last 2 movements of symphonie fantastique and not the first 3' which they don't! when orchestras perform this work... they perform the whole thing! it wouldnt tell anything he wants if they only perform the last 2 movments...

5th.... 'Schoenberg's music never sounds more attractive, no matter how many times you listen to it.' A daring comment made on the master of the 2nd viennese school indeed... guess its said with not much thinking... shoenberg has much more meaning in his music than just mere attractive-ness.... why should music just sound attractive? Well.... shoenberg has many phases in his life a composer... he has some beautiful works... in his early romantic style... such as his Verklarte Nacht.... it's a pleasant sounding and 'attractive' work.. and well... his experimental phase... isn't meant to be pleasant.. it's meant to be experimental! If he hadn't done so... would 20th century music go into a new phase... the serialism and the expressionism which was continued by his students... webern and berg... which are forms which they went far in and did great music with... well...shoenberg didnt write music to please everyone... and we dont live to please everybody!

6th.. Schumann's orchestration definitely needs improvement... I don't agree totally with this comment.. well.. they are many aspects we have to look at... the place and the people Schumann were working with... the instruments during that time... and stuff like that... I wouldn't deny that Schumann's orchestration really sound too thick for today's orchestra and today's concert hall... put them 200 hundred years ago... the orchestra may just sound alright... I believe that if it didn't sound ok... he wouldnt had go ahead with publishing his symphonies and concertos... commenting on this is just like commenting on da vincci's painting! the patch is too red.. need abit more yellow and stuff like that...

7th... "Bruckner couldn't write a symphonic allegro to save his life"... freaking hell... he's commenting on one of my favourite composer! Says who he cant write symphonic allegro... well... listen to his symphonies... I must say he isn't good in writing fast movments... BUT!!! The beauty is in his slow movements! The amazing use of harmonies... the way he use such things to evoke his feelings! Its just amazing... enough said... go pick up a bruckner recording... trust me... u'll feel for it...

8th.. "Liszt is trash"... I don't think any pianist would dare say this! I bet this guy can't play Liszt that's why he said such things... he really sounding sore in making this statement! Lol.. don't give up.. keep trying.. Liszt is just a great composer!

9th.. "The so-called 'happy' ending of Shostakovich's Fifth is perfectly sincere".. well... must all ending be happy? Lol... and in any case.. the ending wasn't meant to be happy.. it has much more meaning than that... its because of the political situation that he can't be explicit in expressing in his music! Do your research before you make any comments!

Last comment he made... "It's a good thing that 'only' about 200 Bach cantatas survive".. without bach... you think anyone would be studying harmonies and counterpoint today? When we talk about harmonization and counterpoint.. we still go back to bach! Wth is the comment for? Please be appreciative...

Will comment more some other time on this article.. it just makes me boil!!!!!

Haha.. well.. enough said today!

the risk of a riskless life is the greatest risk of all

2004-05-26T17:49:00.000+08:00

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made al the difference" -Robert Frost

today was quite a boring day.. nothing much.. basically woke up in the afternoon.. LOL.. tried to do this thingy till quite late.. like 6 am.. to get everything in place and stuff... not easy...

then after that went to school at 2 plus to collect my history result.. well.. quite happy with my results.. lol.. though sem 1 marks pulled me down.. cos its all about baroque and classical period which i cant stand.. hah.. had quite a good chat with my young lecturer.. dr kan.. she's 25 yo only if im not wrong.. and she's a DOCTOR.. a musicologist for vivaldi i think.. a vivaldi specialist... waited for emmanuel to come cos he going hougang to teach also.. so can take same bus as me..

then now im home... blogging.. LOL.. and YINA commented that my blog was "ok la"... was pretty hurt la.. LOL.. spent my sleepless night trying to get everything in place.. and all i get was a "ok la"... LOL.. nvm.. doesnt matter..

ok.. let me talk abit about the quote i took from a robert frost poem up there... this is a poem which struck me when i first came across a book which contains poems by robert frost and i decided to set my first choral work to this text! one of my favourite pcs thus far...

the reason i chose this text is because i could easily relate to it... because of my experience when i was still in acjc... and was in sorta a dilemma on whether to stay on in college or to go on for my music... staying in college was like a comfort zone.. because its perceive as a place which everyone has to go through to get into a university... but at the same time... i wanted to do music.. therefore in the end.. i decide to break out of the 'viscous-get-A-level-cert' cycle n pursue my dreams... which was indeed is a difficult path.. which was said in the poem... but well.. it's made all the difference!

indeed a life of a riskless life is the greatest risk of all! ok... now imagine yourself trapped in a box with everything u need in the box and u think that's all you need in life... u will never get to see if danger is coming... imagine somethiig is going to crush you from outside... u wont even be able to see it in your "comfort zone"... it is when u decide to take the risk... and get out of the BOX.. that u can see so much more things happening.. you may be "hungry" and the journey may not be easy than to staying in the box.. but.. getting out of the box will let u see danger which may approach.. or even a prize which u will not get if u're trapped in the box.. it will definitely pay off in the end.. it'll make a difference like what robert frost said in his poem..

being courageous is very important.. still struggling myself.. not easy to take the step out some times.. but.. we shouldnt let just a small things.. like one night of pleasure... affect our entire future happiness... something shakespeare said struck me:
What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?
A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.
Who buys a minute's mirth to wailla week?
Or sells eternity to get a toy?
For one sweet grape who will the vine destroy?

yeahz... indeed we shouldnt sacrifice our eternal happiness just for a brief joy.. it may be difficult.. but i truly belive that there are certain hard moments, "diverging-roads" which we may face in life... and if we are strong in them, make strong decisions.. i believe that that will make "all the difference" down the road of life..

lol.. alrite.. enough of my philosophy for today... will come back again soon

compose or decompose? heh...

2004-05-26T02:35:00.000+08:00

Composing is like driving down a foggy road toward a house. Slowly you see more details of the house-the color of the slates and bricks, the shape of the windows. The notes are the bricks and the mortar of the house. - Benjamin Britten

ooo... dunno what make me want to make a blog also.. lol.. guess im too bored.. just took a break from composing and its now like 2:39 am... nvm... lol.. basically let me talk about my day today... nothing much... woke up in the morning.. then composed abit.. continued on my "where dead voices gather".. its getting its shape.. pretty inspired by the Britten's quote up there.. indeed composing is interesting in that sense that u actually sorta "build" your own house.. okok.. shall go on with talking bout my day..

then went to acs b band to teach.. cos mr lee busy today.. so needa help him.. not bad la.. the band sounded quite ok today.. not very pissing also.. compared to some other days.. when they really get to your nerves.. haha.. then ernest started breaking during the break.. crazy one la..

after that.. went to acjc to go for band prac.. have to play for concert if wanna go for trip mah.. tatz what mr lee said.. so must guai guai go down lor.. ermz.. but met darren for lunch before band started.. had a great time manz... though it was like a couple of mins only.. band practice wasnt too good though.. band sounded really unprepared for the concert.. i mean.. as in unprepared in the AC sense.. its one of the most under practised concert i guess.. but i believe we'll rise to the ocassion la.. okie okie..

then after that.. went for dinner as usual.. the usual post band activities.. really makes me think back of those wonderful times i had when i was still with acjc band.. really a part of my life that i will not forget.. a place where i have really good pals.. pple whom r really nice.. lol.. now the dinner like not as exciting liao.. probably cos most of the pple are not my batchmates.. although a few of them came down today la.. but cant really talk to the j2s or j1s.. perhaps cos im too dao? lol.. keep talking to ms sng lor.. talk abt band.. talk abt teaching...talk abt everything.. had quite a good time catching up... YEAH!! ms lim is also going for the swiss trip! so happy manz.. sure to have a great time!

after that came home lor.. took a cab... cos too tired.. actually decided that i should cut down on this liao.. but couldnt resist the temptation.. LOL.. TOO MANY CABS AROUND DURING THAT TIME!

so reach home bathed.. and went to search for the programme note for the piece acjc band is playing, ukrainian rhapsody, for ms lim.. cos she need it for the programme booklet for the coming concert.. but couldnt find it anywhere.. so i emailed the publisher.. hopefully they'll get back to me soon.. ok.. then after that started composing again... tatz about it today.. did quite alot for composing.. LOL.. therefore i didnt decompose.. LAME SHIT!